| Today I trekked up the mountain with Phil, a guy who I would call my friend, see once a few weeks, a person I've known for five years but only hung out after we graduated. Maybe that's why it was so special. I spontaneously decided to call him...all the "usual" people I hang out with are busy/gone. We finally saw some stars in the sky..which is always so hard in a city full of lights, 24/7. He suggested it, we did it, and I only regretted it when walked up the steepest part of the rocky trail. It was so peaceful...it was perfect getaway from my confused life. We decided to name a star Jude...after the Beatles song. It was the brightest star. We played it, and just stared in the direction of Jude and all the other stars, away from the city lights and the strip. Sometimes random thoughts would pop in my head, other times I would just blink and think about nothing. It was one of the most peaceful moments I had. Those few moments with the song playing, I thought about nothing stressful or unhappy, I felt no pain or stress. Next to a person I was brought together with fate. That's what I believe.
Lately I found myself to stop caring about my relationship so much. It was a choice I made, and lately, I really think it's the right choice. I've already experienced heartbreak, and I don't need to again. It's not like I stopped loving him, because it's so far from it. But I don't want to look around me and only feel sorrow, experience wonderful things and not be able to appreciate it. Especially given the amount of time I have here. One and a half months...less than that. Unbelievable. I wanted, my whole life, to leave. And finally I get what I want, except at the expense of all the people I leave and all the memories I have made. I want this time, at least, to be a good experience. Not caring sucks, because I'm not that kind of girl. But I feel like I really need to be, to heal from hurt. Besides, it wouldn't, and doesn't seem to be affecting him much.
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| Lately it's as if I'm drowning in sorrow. A calm sort of sadness. A poke could cause tears, a nudge could cause emotional breakdown. But I do the best I could do hold it in and practice my strength. I look in the mirror and smile and myself. Once again, it's a time in my life where I need to tell myself that it will be okay. Except it's different this time. I'm growing up, my life is going to change. I am scared and I am not ready yet. I don't feel like I fit in to anything anymore, just like sixth grade and my freshman year of high school. Now I don't even see what kind of role I play in my boyfriend's life. In two months (August 21 or 20 exactly) I won't even play a role in his life anymore. It hurts me more than I ever thought it would. All I can do is swim in that calm sorrow and hope my strength will take me to a better place again.
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| He makes me feel like a weak person.
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| How is it possible to miss someone after seeing them the whole day? I think I'm falling deeper and deeper into this and I'm scared that my heart could get hurt. I constantly ask myself if it's worth it...but I think it is. I just need to keep that faith because I don't want to run away like I did before. I don't want to run away from a chance because my heart's been broken before. I just need to trust that things won't always end badly, right?
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| Wow...I have been so stressed and busy lately. I need to find a way to relax, with all the things going on in my life. I have been feeling stupid in every single AP class, and as a result, I've been pretty down lately. I am happy when people talk and joke around me, but once it stops, I start feeling incredibly down again. It's not the kind of sad or depressed that makes me feel horrible, but I'm just not happy. I'm not happy with where I am at right now...though I know it would improve. I am just so worried about my future, because I haven't been preparing.
Also...I realized that I can't let go of some things in the past. I can't move on in some aspects..even though I really want to. It's mostly my love life, I guess. Wow, I am so tired. I am definitely going to go for some startbucks tomorrow morning. I've been craving it for the longest time.
I am still very thankful for life and everything I have. I am really determined to do what I have planned to do this year and for college. Hopefully nothing changes too dramatically like it does the other years. I will try my best to cherish this year. And I will try to be as forgiving in people (though I can't forgive some people...sorry) as possible.
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